Choosing to Accept

(Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash)

Movies have always “spoken” to me. I like to watch movies and get really invested in what they are portraying, the meaning behind them, and how that meaning applies to life. I recently re-watched “Monalisa smile” a movie that always makes me cry, right at the end.

Monalisa smile is set in the early 50’s and is the story of an art history teacher (Katherine Watson played by Julia Roberts), progressive for those times, as she is unmarried. She pursues a job at Wellesley College (a traditional female only college) believing she would be teaching “the leaders of tomorrow”, eventually becoming disappointed to learn the highest aspiration of the majority of the students is to become housewives.

Choice

Monalisa smile had me reflect on the concept of choice. Choosing who to be and how, rather than conforming to what one should be. From the very beginning the students conformed and accepted the teachings and opinions of the curriculum they were expected to learn and recite. They conformed to and accepted their roles as women, as being set and inflexible. Katherine Watson takes the students on a journey of discovery, both artistic and personal, encouraging them to think with their heads, to form their own opinions, to question what they never thought they should.

And just like with anything else, choice “swings both ways”. Joan Brandwyn (played by Julia Stiles), choses to decline an offer from Yale Law School to perform her role of housewife. Joan’s choice is values based. She wishes to be present to raise a family and not only accepts her role, she also takes pride in making this choice. It is made clear in the movie that Joan’s husband expects her to “have dinner on the table by 5pm”, therefore expecting her to conform to the traditional role of housewife, that Katherine so strongly rejects. However, this expectation is not oppressive on Joan, it is not forced on her because it is the same one she has for herself.

When expectations are made clear in relationships, and all parties freely and willingly accept those expectations, as they reflect their core values, the relationship is balanced. Because “balance” and “teamwork” don’t always have to mean a 50-50 share of house duties and income earning. Balance means “I do my part, because I trust that you are doing yours”. If my goal in life is to be a mother and a wife, and do that at 100% of my ability, why should that aspiration be considered of lower value or intelligence of someone who wants to be a Lawyer? And in my choice of performing that role, I accept the agreed expectations that come with it. I accept that it may be my responsibility to do the shopping, prepare meals, do the washing, etc, because I know and trust that the other person or people in that relationship will be accepting their agreed expectations.

Acceptance

It is a privilege to be able to choose, yes. And the other side of this privilege is the “consequence” of that choice. If I choose to be the main income earner, I need to also accept the consequence of spending less time at home. I have to accept that I may have less knowledge of certain household-based tasks and procedures. If I choose to be a housewife, I need to also accept the consequence of not earning an income and I may have less knowledge of matters relating to finances.

Expectations is not a dirty word. Resentment grows in relationships when our expectations aren’t s met. And yet, so many people don’t discuss expectations in relationships. Many people take on roles they have clearly defined in their heads, without stopping for one moment to ask themselves and their partner/s “what are your expectations? Do my expectations and your expectations match up? If not, is there room to move and adjust?”. The phrase “you can’t expect me to….” is judgmental in its nature if said expectations were never made clear.

Do not assume

Ever!! In any relationship, be it romantic, parental, friendship. Do not assume. Clearly discuss your expectations and your needs. Talk about the values that under pin them. Be open to the possibility that the person you’re talking with may have different expectations and values. Because by discussing all of this, it is possible to come to a mutual, agreed understanding of the roles we each take on. It is possible to say no, and decide that values and expectations are incompatible, and part ways in the most respectful way for everyone.

And, just like with everything else, changing one’s mind is always possible and it is always ok. But that’s a whole other blog.